Rotten Eggs

I created this blog with the intention of documenting the process of adopting a child through the Foster Care system. When we first told family and friends of our plan to adopt via Foster, it was met with mostly excitement and support.

But, there were a few people who couldn’t hide their uneasiness and/or fear for us. So, I thought how great it would be to tell the story as it was happening (hopefully with a happy ending). This wasn’t just for those who know us, but for anyone out there afraid of the idea of adoption. Especially through Foster Care. 

I expected to possibly write about what it was like to wait months (maybe years), raise an interracial family, deal with developmental delays, attempt to understand birth parents who lost their children due to their own demons, and maybe even how difficult it was to “say no” to a child after a telling. All emotional events that would help others if they knew what it was like when someone else went through it.

What I never imagined, as those of you who have followed this blog know, was to get a call two weeks after we were approved and bring a perfectly healthy newborn baby boy two weeks after that.

We never waited. Our son was placed for adoption by a young couple who truly wanted what was best for him, took good care of him in utero and voluntarily sought “the perfect” family to raise him. We have a great relationship with his biological parents. Ayden’s ethnic background is similar to ours (he even has red highlights in his hair – for now, at least). He’s healthy and on target or advanced in all of his development milestones. 

Tomorrow, we go to court and finalize the adoption, legally making Ayden our son (even though he’s been our son since just before he was born). What is there to share from here on out? I mean, we really have no challenges that are much different than just about every other parent out there. From here on out, anything I would write about would be no different than any other parenting blog.

I could detail the special relationship we have with Ayden’s birth parents, but that’s not my story to tell. That’s really theirs. I could begin to chronicle what it’s like for my son to know his birth parents and how we work that out. But again, that’s really his story. Same goes for just about everything else that would be unique to write about.

If there’s anything of interest or learning moving forward, it’s Ayden’s story – and his life. Hopefully he’ll share it in the future, but I think this is my cue to end the “adoption” blog and start simply talking about “my son” when I feel compelled. It won’t be here, though.

Thanks for reading. And if you have any questions whatsoever about adopting though San Diego County, the Foster Care system or in general, you can find me on Twitter.

Okay, so I'm failing miserably at keeping up with this blog. So many experiences and feelings to share, but also so much work to do between baby and running my own business. Soon, hopefully, I'll have energy and time simultaneously to post on a regular basis.

In the meantime...  I got this call from a casting director working on an adoption documentary/reality series. We are further along in our journey that what the show is looking for, but I though I'd let others know in case you are waiting for your child (or a birth mom waiting for the birth).

See the details below.

From Andrew Scott at Hudsun Media

We are looking for birth mothers and/or adoptive families that are willing to share their story while they go through the process of adoption. We intend to follow the point of view of the birth parent or adoptive familes during the important moments leading up to the birth and placement as it organically unfolds. We want our viewing audience to cheer for the birth parent or family and celebrate their choice no matter what.   

The tone of this documentary is heartwarming, uplifting, real life joy, laughter and the heartache that may come with the journey. Similar to the movies "JUNO and "Mother and Child" 

With all that is said, we understand not many expecting mothers or expecting families would want to share their journey with the rest of the world, as it is a highly sensitive and private matter, however, at the same time, we strongly feel there are some birth mothers and birth families who may see this as an excellent opportunity to tell their story in hopes it would help others. 

Please feel free to contact me with any questions and concerns whenever you need!  Our timeline on this show is increasingly limited, as we would like to have our cast in place in the next few weeks.  This is a nationwide search. Any amount of help would be greatly appreciated. 

This is what we are looking for:

CASTING NOTICE: A Journey through Adoption

A major network, along with Hud:sun Media, the Producers behind the mega-hit show, “Pregnant in Heels” and the casting company, Pop Magnet Entertainment, are conducting a national search for pregnant women and adoptive families who are considering adoption.

This never before ground-breaking documentary television series tells the story from the point of view of young expecting birth mothers and adoptive families who are facing their most important and life altering decision of their lives....

Are you an expectant birth mother who wants to tell their story?

How did you get here? What is going to happen? Who is with you? Who is against you? What are you going to do?

Are you an adoptive family who has been matched with a birth Mom? What is your story? What lead you to adoption? Are you ready to be parents?

If you’re an expectant birth mother or adoptive family considering adoption, we want to hear your story! Everybody wants to be heard, and by sharing your journey your experience becomes meaningful. 

We are searching for adoptive families that:

• Have matched with an expectant mother
• Want to tell their story
• ALL ethnic, religious, socio-economic backgrounds
• From ANY city in the U.S. – this is a nation-wide casting

We are searching for expectant mothers:

• 16 – 30 years old pregnant women
• Ideally 5 months to 8 months into pregnancy; however, we would still like to hear from all interested expecting mothers regardless of weeks pregnant.
• ALL ethnic, religious, socio-economic backgrounds
• From ANY city in the U.S. – this is a nation-wide casting
• ANY stage in the adoption process will be considered – from those who just started considering adoption, to birth moms well into the process 

Contact: casting2@hudsunmedia.com OR www.hudsunmedia.com

The past 5 months have been a blur. One exhausting, exciting, frustrating, sleep-deprived, thrilling, love-stuffed blur. I can’t believe our little Blueberry (one of my many nicknames for our son) turned 5 months old yesterday.  That means we brought him home 5 months ago today.

It also means that my last Rotten Eggs post was just a few days shy of 5 months ago.

For the first 3 months, I just couldn’t find the time or energy to post anything. Everything happened so fast (we got word just 2 weeks before he was born). Not only did that mean we had to get the last-minute items ready (much of the big stuff was all ready thanks to the fact that we had to be a licensed foster home first), but I didn’t have time to find backup for my self-employed business.  So much more to do on much less sleep and free time. Wheeeeeeee!

This is where having a stellar mother is a gift I didn’t realize before. She stayed with us for weeks basically being Nana/nanny while both Ronnie and I worked during the day. Thank you, Mom! I wouldn’t have been able to do it – and certainly not while keeping my clients – without her, and I can’t thank her enough.

As many with children know, the first 3 months are rife with “feed me!” - “change me!” - “I’m tired!” – “I’ve got gas!” cries, which all sound exactly the same for a bit and blend together. There was nothing I could write about that wouldn’t be anything but ugly and incoherent. And then there was the added stress of being excited and scared for us, but sympathetic to what his birth mom & dad were going through. So many emotions, so little sleep. So much that is personal to our family that I don’t feel right telling the world. We’ll let that time be ours.

But, about a month ago, the boy suddenly started sleeping 8-10 hours each night. And it’s still happening! For now. I’ve learned that not much stays constant for long. But, that means I’m sleeping and am able to think about writing again. Much goes through my mind now as a new mom, and as a rookie adoptive mom. So many mistakes to make, so much time to fly by. So, it’s time to get to it.

It feels good to be back. Here’s to more exciting times to share in the world of adoption!

We're thrilled to announce that Ayden Blue joined the world on January 26 and came home with us two days later. We are absolutely in love and looking forward to a lifetime with him. He's already enjoyed his first trip to the beach (an almost daily ritual for us) and makes us smile in a different way each day.

With all this excitement offline I've had little to no time to share all the emotions swarming in our household. When things settle down, I'll be back with an update and details on the days and process leading up to his trip home.

We'll check back in with you soon. While I can't show you an actual picture of our healthy, adorable son, I can share the photo above of the entire family at the beach this weekend.

Photo credit: iStockPhoto

Ronnie and I had the pleasure of meeting the birth parents on Wednesday. They are an adorable young couple making, most likely, the toughest decision in their lives. I can’t even imagine what they are going through right now. I barely remember being that young. They are making a mature decision and doing it with grace, love and dignity.
 
The meeting was a little uncomfortable at first. Any event including 4 people with supercharged emotions and two social workers is sure to be a nail biter. But, we all clicked quickly and enjoyed an intimate, positive conversation for about 90 minutes. Our encounter was not as funny as the movie that shares the title of this post, but it was a pretty good time.
 
Even though the birth mom is a confident and open young lady and open to sharing everything (she even offered up her Facebook page so I could “learn more about” her), I will not share detailed information about everyone involved just yet. They deserve their privacy and ability to go through this without an audience.
 
That said, I am so impressed with these two young people. It is and will be an open adoption process, and I truly feel it will be a bonus to have them as part of our and our adopted child’s lives.
 
After the meeting we took a picture of us all together, and I gave them both a big hug and thanked them for giving us this priceless gift. We continue to talk via email while we wait for the baby to arrive. She even sent me a picture of the two of them at a formal event with her wearing a gown, her belly showing and being cradled by the birth father. I can’t wait to show that picture to our soon-to-be son one day.
 
A huge sense of relief washed over me after our meeting the other day. I just have this vibe that it is going to work out for the best for everyone involved.
 
I feel I have to add, and will continue to remind you and me until the adoption is final, that there is always the chance they will change their mind and keep that baby boy to raise themselves. It will hurt if they do, but I can’t say I wouldn't understand. That boy will be raised my loving parents regardless of what happens. It’s a win/win.

Photo credit: iStockPhoto

The title above was also the subject of the not-so-innocent email we received last Wednesday. It continued…

“Hi, well I found your profiles just in time. They were actually sent out last week to be reviewed by a birth mom considering relinquishment. The baby is not born yet so there is time for her to decide on a family. I wanted to let you know so that you don’t make any plans to go out of town, in case you are selected we need you here. All I know now is…”

What?! We were just approved a couple of days before Christmas, and we only submitted our profiles for birth parents less than two weeks ago!

We tried not to get too excited (Were we on of 100s being reviewed? One of 10? We had no idea). Then we get another email yesterday (RE: update) that said we were the “family of choice” of the birth parents. Apparently they had looked through profiles earlier, asked to see more, and ours was included this time around.

Okay, Jen (and Ronnie). Breathe.

Then there was the flurry of phone calls to family. “It’s not a done deal, but we might be parents soon!”

I lost count of how many times Ronnie and I looked at each other last night and simply said, “Oh my god.” Okay, my words were a bit more profane, so I’ll use Ronnie’s version.

We knew a relinquishment was a possibility, but the opportunity arises only a couple of times a month. The majority of kids available in need of homes from San Diego County are already born and in foster care. The thought of bringing home a brand new baby was a long shot, and it certainly wasn’t going to be our first choice or so soon! Apparently I was wrong.

So many feelings – excitement, fear, joy, dread, panic – going through my head right now.

The child is due at the end of the month, so if all moves forward, we’ll have a baby boy that we get to name and raise from birth in our home in the coming weeks!

Of course, the birth mom could change her mind (choose another family or decide to keep the child), too. The second I let myself get excited I instantly slap myself back to reality and remind myself it may not happen.

We meet with the birth mom’s caseworker on Friday to see if we want to move forward (as if). From there, we’ll have a better idea of the risks and situation.

And now, we wait and hope for the best. [begins new habit of nail biting]

During our home study, we shared with our licensing social worker our desire to also be considered for sibling sets up for adoption within (or close to) our desired age range (0-3 years). We have a bed and a crib, and when the licensing worker visited, we had one car seat and one on the way that we'd ordered online. When she said she's submit us for approval for 1 child only, we expressed our concern once again reminded her that we are open to a sibling set. Since the car seat wasn't physically there, she said she could only submit for 1 right now, but that they make all kinds of last-minute arrangemens on the adoptions side. She implied that if a sibling set came up as a potential fit for us, our adoptions worker would be able to submit a request and make things happen quickly for us to be approved for 2 children. Ronnie wasn't exactly trusting this, but resigned so we could get the approval process moving forward. Being approved for 2 kids meant her returning at a later date after the 2nd car seat arrived, and we were anxious.

So, months later, we have two beds and two car seats - but we're only in the database as a possibility for a single child needing a home. Our adoptions worker told us that we have to be licensed for 2 children to even be considered. So, back asswards from what we were told by the licensing side of the house. We should have pushed and waited, but it's crazy to see that the licensing and adoptions groups aren't on the same page.

We now have a call into our new licensing worker to see how quickly and easily we can be approved for 2 (and a potential family for a sibling set).

Lesson learned: always check with more than one person to confirm details when working on or with anything of any importance. :)

"THE 12TH ANNUAL A HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, a new entertainment special to be broadcast Wednesday, Dec. 22 (8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network, will include moving performances by Grammy Award-winning singer/songwriter Melissa Etheridge, Grammy Award-winning group Maroon 5, Grammy Award-winning superstar Ricky Martin and Grammy Award-winning hip hop artist Nelly. The show will open with a performance by pop sensation Katy Perry. The hosts of "The Talk," Julie Chen, Sara Gilbert, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, Leah Remini and Marissa Jaret Winokur, as well as Academy Award and Golden Globe Award-winning actress Mira Sorvino ("Mighty Aphrodite") are among the talent set to present."

The show also features children across the country looking for family and home - and 5 of those kids are from right here in San Diego.

We'll be setting the DVR and watching it soon. How about you?

Adopting via foster care has always been the 1st option for me. When I was single and in my late 20s, I had thought of adopting as a single mother. I was single and not dating anyone, had a great paying job and thought I'd like to be a mom, even if I wasn't married at 30. Then reality set in, and I realized that that great paying job involved much travel and time away from home, so maybe I ought to rethink this whole single mom thing.

When I first started seriously thinking about adoption this time around (and most likely before that), I was always curious what drove people to spend the time and money to go the private adoption route, both in the US and overseas. In my tiny mind, I felt that there were so many kids already out there in need of parents right here in our country. Why create another one or travel abroad to get one? It wasn't, and still isn't, a judgment, but a big question because the other routes just never really seemed like an option (or me).

And a tough and personal question. I asked a few friends if they had considered foster kids, and why they chose to go another route. Let’s just say that it felt like I’d hit a nerve with just about everyone I talked to. And when I tell people that we’re looking to adopt a foster child, I can see the fear in some of their eyes. Or feel the trepidation when they start to ask if I know what I’m doing.

When were first started taking the PRIDE classes (heck, probably even at the orientation!), I began to understand why foster adoption might not be an option for others. It’s scary. There are risks involved with all adoptions, but kids coming from foster care have extra special levels of risk in many areas, including medical, developmental, social and legal. They don’t scare me away, but I definitely can begin to understand why someone wouldn’t consider it.

First and foremost, just about every kid is born with drugs or alcohol in their system. Some with serious consequences at birth, such as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Fetal Alcohol Effects and HIV. The medical background of the birth parents isn’t always available, and when it is there are likely instances of schizophrenia, mental illness and bipolar disorder. Most have been neglected, and some physically, emotionally and sexually abused. Some of the kids have deformities at birth, and worse burns and scars as reminders of abuse. And if you’re looking at adopting past the infant age, there are behavioral and developmental issues and delays to consider.

Then you have to consider the legal risks. The younger the child, often the less you have to worry about many of the issues mentioned above, but depending on the situation (there’s a whole other post in my head on this one) there’s a higher chance the child can go back to the birth parent.

As with many types of adoption, you must consider the race of the child. Are you a bad person to want a child who looks like you? Are you a racist if you only want a child the same race as you? What about children of multiracial background? Are there some races you’d consider and not others? With the majority of kids in foster care being Hispanic or black, should you try to adopt a child of that background first (as a white couple)? How will strangers react if they see us with a child of different ethnic background? How will our family react to the same? Is it good for the child to look so blatantly “adopted?” These are all questions that test yourself and your partner (if you have one) individually and as a couple.

And then there’s age (this is probably more of a similar issue for those who adopt overseas). On one hand, you know the older children tend to not be adopted as often and have already lived a harder life than you have as an adult. They remember what’s happened to them, they may have not attached to another human yet and could have severe emotional and development issues. Of course, they are already potty trained, are in school, can talk to you, etc. And as I mentioned earlier, the younger kids come with a greater legal risk, but they will most likely attach quicker, and you get to see them grow as if they were born from you. Watch them learn to walk, talk, etc.

There is also the philosophy of how to manage (or not) the relationship with the birth parents. This is a big issue with foster kids, because the County definitely feels it’s important for the child to maintain that relationship. Those choosing between open and closed adoptions feel this, as well.

These are all the things that we’ve spent the past few months researching, learning, talking and talking about. Not to mention all the tears shed in the process.

As our paperwork is currently going in for approval, I’m excited we chose this path. I just read the last couple of paragraphs and can see how this might spook people. It did me at first, too, but not so much now. Going through the process and communicating what type of child we are willing to have join our family was cathartic and downright inspirational.

My early ignorance of most of these issues may have made it easier for me to make this decision. Or maybe I just feel like everyone should have the chance to be raised in a loving home like I was. Either way, I know this is going to be great for the kid and us.

I’d love to hear from others who’ve adopted, no matter what path you chose. Also, if you’re even thinking about adoption, but are experiencing some apprehension, I’d love to hear about that, too.